...I hate resolutions.
OK, this wasn't always the case. Like ever other year, I started thinking about my resolutions over the holidays. I went into my notes on my smartphone to type them up when I found a note titled Resolutions 2012. Hmmmm.... last year's resolutions. I was excited to revisit this list and see where I was a year ago versus where I am now. And, what I got was a total bummer. It was the same list as this year. THE SAME LIST! Meaning... I made no progress last year according to myself. How could I if I had the same resolutions? That's when I decided... resolutions are for the birds and I would be first in line to vote this age-old tradition out of existence.
You know what I mean, right? How many years can they feature the same resolutions on the Today Show... "lose weight," "eat healthy," "work-out," "make time for my family/spouse," "be nice." Over and over and over again. The thing is... if we have to repeat the same resolutions from the year before... something isn't working. Can I get an Amen?
Why? Why are our resolutions not working? Why are these empty words floating around in our heads hoping to make this the best year yet? Why are we no better off a year later and yet we repeat the same broken process?
This is the formula I came up with...
(Unwillingness to change [aka stubbornness]) x (empty promises/false hope) = resolutions
Here are the problems with resolutions... they require one to change and in order to change permanently, one must take action. In order to take action, one must have a plan. In order to have a plan, one must set goals.
And so this year, I am writing off resolutions for good and I am replacing them with good ol' fashioned goals. Because my stubbornness seems to be a bit on the overloaded side... (yes, I admit), it is imperative for me to take serious action to get to where I want to be. I am not going to look back on 2013 as a year of no progress. I will not settle for that. Not again.
But a lot happened in 2012 that shook me to my core and isn't that where we take a good look at ourselves in the mirror and think, "Hmmmmm... do I like who is looking back at me?" I have done a lot of looking in the mirror in the past few months wondering that very question. Truth is, the answer for me is no. And this is a big admission from the gal who is always right. From the gal who can do it better than anyone. From the gal who has it all together. Yes, me. I am the one who hears, "I'm sorry," not the one who delivers it. I am the one who does it correctly the first time, of course. I am the one who knows it all. Yet, it is me that's the problem. (And my Type A personality.) Am I being too critical? Yes. It's about time.
But CHANGE is a-comin' because I already told you. I will not settle. Not again. And this year is going to be different because my life is different. My outlook is different. My experiences are different.
You may recall when I first described the journey of learning about little Lilah's diagnosis of dwarfism, I compared it to being on a ravine and getting pushed over the edge into the wild jungle below. I could see the ravine on the other side and I knew that was where I wanted to be, but I had to get there. The learning process, the change inside me, the growing of the character takes place in this jungle. That's where I am and that is where I have been for the past few months. And it's hard... and wonderful... and scary... and freeing.
In this jungle, you see the good and the bad. Somedays all I see are exotic flowers every where I turn. I see bright colors and God's beauty and creativity in every step. Somedays are filled with optimism and joy and gratitude that I was chosen to walk through this jungle. Somedays I cannot believe how lucky I am. Other days, I see things I don't want to see... scary monsters show their faces and I have to go to battle. I feel this way when I dig deep and realize something about myself that isn't pretty. When harboring old grudges or feelings or certain thoughts or insecurities come out, I have to acknowledge them and battle them. But this is why this journey is just that. It doesn't happen overnight and I am committed to being a better person for my family, for my Lilah, for her world. Change is just a word. But it is a word that I don't take lightly. I am willing to fight the fight within myself to let go, grow, open my mind, and see things with clarity from a pure heart.
And with every goal that has ever been fulfilled, it started with the understanding of HOW. How am I going to get there? How am I going to make these goals work for me? How am I going to put them into practice until they have changed me for good?
I am a visual person. I need visuals and lots of them. I need daily, hourly, minutely reminders to stay on track. To fight those battles and win them. To keep going on the path looking for those flowers and bright colors. Luckily, I have my visuals. I have my son who makes me want to fight every fight just to be that much more of a role model for him. I have my husband who does one million little things in a day just for the chance it might be rewarded with a smile. I have my daughter who makes me want to burn a path within our society for her to follow. And when I look at them, I am going to understand the importance of change and me becoming better for them is my choice... and oh how they are worth it. And their life will be better because I am better.
This is the year of Change. And hope, and love and acceptance and gratitude. This is the year I start being the change I want to see in the world. And I will begin with one step at a time, one day at a time. And I will live life on purpose and with great purpose.
Out with the resolutions... and you can take your Auld Lang Syne with you. Never could pronounce that song anyway. In with a fresh start, a new beginning, a positive outlook and most importantly a willingness to change and goals to go along with it.