She's Big Enough for Me

This past week has left me reeling a little... in a good sort of way, I suppose.  The last post on the m-word got lots of attention.  And for that I am grateful.  I want as many people as possible to read about our story.  I want to take the mystery out of dwarfism.  I want to answer the curious and educate the general public.  It can be a daunting task... and my late grandmother's cousin (who serves as a mentor to me) said it best when she said, that by writing and really putting myself out there, it leaves me with my head poking out of the crowd.  In other words... I am an easy target.  A target for praise.  A target for criticism.  A target for advice-givers and seekers.  These are new shoes for me and I am still trying them on.  But, I have made sure they are several sizes too big because I have plenty more walking to do.

With each passing day I feel the fire inside of me growing larger and larger.  It's my passion that is growing-- and such a paradox it is.  I am loving and I am fighting.  I am fighting because I am loving.  It may be difficult to understand how these two things can co-exist inside one person and yet work simultaneously and seamlessly together.  Yet, that is what is happening...

Last weekend I was fighting.  I was standing up against a hate-word that is so unnecessary and has no place in our society. And, I am beyond overjoyed at the number of people that have learned from that post.  "I promise" became my two favorite words and I got to hear them fall on my ears and I got to see them pass by in front of my eyes over and over again.  It was very rewarding to know that our village swelled in size last weekend.  And if you are new to our village.  Welcome.  I'll grab you a chair and some ice-cold lemonade.  Stay awhile.

My work has only just began.  God has chosen this family for Lilah... and I have a purpose to fulfill in His name.  I have lots of big ideas in the works and I am thanking you in advance for your support... more to come.

Back to the paradox... yes I was fighting for the end of the m-word.  But what I didn't get to talk about in that post was the other part of the fire inside of me.  The love.  The love for my family.  For my children.  For their future.  Many comments were directed at the idea that I should teach Lilah to ignore that word.  That I should teach her that "sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me."  That I should teach her to rise above.  And yes, I did not get to go into all of what I will teach her in her lifetime last week... but please don't lose sight of the purpose of that post and please understand that just because I was a fighter, doesn't mean I am not a lover.  I think I can be the best of both which I am convinced, is why God gave her to me.  I do have a lot to teach both of my children.  And in time, I will.  And also in time, I will share with you what I am teaching them.

This is how I look at it (I love analogies... so here you go):

{My daughter, she will be learning to walk soon.  And as her mama, I will go to the path where she will take her first steps and I will scan ahead.  I see a branch, some rocks and a snake.  So, in anticipation, I clear the path for her.  (This is me trying to spread the word to end the word.  I look at her future and I try to educate society on dwarfism.)  I have also been working with Lilah by taking her hands in mine and helping her walk here and there.  She has been pulling up to a stand and we have been practicing those first few steps.  (This is me, teaching her, preparing her, building up her confidence.)  She is ready for the path.  She starts out great as I follow right behind her but, she steps into a little hole.  (Yes, there will be pitfalls along the way that I won't be able to prevent.  Opportunities to learn to watch out for the "holes" in life.)  But I can guarantee I will be there when she falls and help her to get back on her feet til she's off and running.}

It is what any mama would do.  You anticipate, you prepare and teach, you let go, and you offer love and support.  I am doing no different.

But the sphere... many talked about my sphere of influence.  I was told it will never be big enough.  I could never reach enough people to make a difference.  (And I am taking this a step further...) why even try?  Why should I even attempt when I can personally only reach hundreds of people in a country where there are over 300 million and in a world where there are over seven billion people?

Because this is why...  she is why.  How could I teach Lilah that she is big enough if I don't even feel that I am?  If I go through life, "How many people can I reach, why should I even try?"  What kind of message is that sending her?  You don't have to be big to do big things.  I will teach her that you can be big if you believe in yourself and you never give up on your dreams.   I will teach her this by showing her this.  I will be big enough.

She's Big Enough For Me

I hold you in my arms cooing and goo-gooing as others pass us by
"How old is she? She's so little," they say in the blink of an eye.

"Yes, she is my little one."  But I wish that they could see
The love and joy behind those eyes... "She's big enough for me."

Fast forward a few years and she's running round and round
with all the other kiddos playing at the school playground.

"She can't play... she's too small," the children all agree.
Her brother stands up to the crowd, "She's big enough for me."

The bus lets off, the kids file in, she enters the sixth grade...
The looks, the stares... she leaves everyone a little bit dismayed.

A girl sits next to her in class, a friend could she be?
She pays no attention to the others, "She's big enough for me."

Cheer tryouts have begun; she attempts to make the team.
The nay-sayers have come out-- ready to crush her dream.

The coach watches her perform and cheer so effortlessly.
He tells her she's made the squad, "She's big enough for me."

Scholarships and SAT's and applications to send in.
She writes essays about her life-- but which college to attend?

The admissions receives her application with her biography.
They love it, they love her, "She's big enough for me."

She finds her mission and stands behind it one-hundred and ten percent
She speaks to many and then to thousands at each and every event.

She's a teacher, a fighter, and a lover all to the -nth degree 
And then they all stand up and say, "She's big enough for me."

He caught her eye and sheepishly asked for her on a date
Who would have thought that silly glance would find her a soulmate?

He asked her father for her hand and got on bended knee
"I want to spend my life with you... you're big enough for me."

And now a lifetime has gone by and she's sitting on her porch.
She looks up to heaven and thanks God for giving her the torch.

The lives she's touched, the love she's spread, the way she's lived so free...
Her heart is full, she's done His work... "I'm big enough for me."

And when it's time for heaven to open up the pearly gate,
She stands before and smiles already knowing of her fate.

He winks at her and hands over the shiny and golden key.
So proud of her is He, "She's big enough for me."

Learning to wave and say "dada"

Mounting all by himself is a big deal.

Enough hair to finally wear a clip.

One of our favorite places: the barn.

Just Another Day in the Life...

Let me just say... for all the mamas out there... this is for you.  For all the soon-to-be mamas out there... this is for you too.  If you are already a mama, you will laugh, shake your head at your own embarrassments and completely relate.  If you are a soon-to-be mama... don't let this scare you for all of us mamas wouldn't want it any other way.  But consider yourself warned.  {Now, you are in the know.}

And let this be my pre-face for this poem needs a pre-face... and a disclaimer and probably a prologue but I'm too lazy.  So in my pre-face I should tell you that I believe one key to happiness is laughter.  And I am very happy in my life and I am laughing... a lot.  Laughing at myself, at my kiddos and at the craziness that can surround some days and moments in our lives as full-time mamas.  This poem in no-way-shape-or-form means that I am not grateful or that I don't love my life... because I am and I do.  This is just my way at laughing at all that occurs in a day (and laughing at the fact that it actually all does occur in one day) and me poking fun at my harder moments as a mom and giving myself some grace in the meantime.

{And... I would like to add that this is not the case for all mamas... some have easy babies and some have their @%#* together... neither of which is me.}

Just another day in the life...

What day is it?  I don't know.  Alarm says beep and I go back to sleep.
Wake up, sand in my eyes, messy hair-- I don't care

What to wear?  Whatever fits.  Not my jeans by all means.
Yoga pants, leggings, t-shirt, shoes that don't hurt.

Alarm goes off, monitors beeping, kids awake, beds to make.
Diaper changes, teeth brushed, clothes to put on, mama's yawn.

Up the stairs, down the stairs, up and down and back around.
Breakfast ready, come and get it, booster seat, make them eat.

It's just another day in the life...

Vitamins and medicine, each food group, and I smell poop.
Round two of diaper changes, the kitchen's dirty, it's only 8:30.

Take out the trash, clean the bottles, scrape the grime, tummy time.
Hot Dog dance, building towers, playing cars, off to Mars.

Silly faces, baby talk, throw in the wash, oh my gosh.
Bouncing baby, again and again, picking up toys, lots of noise.

Shhh... inside voices, daddy's working, "How 'bout a snack?" My aching back.
Snack gets spilled, "No worries." Brush off the dirt... for a little won't hurt.

It's just another day in the life...

Get kids in the car, one at a time, pack diaper bag, wave the white flag.
Grocery shopping, no room in the cart, kiddos resist, to heck with the list.

Lunchtime eating, crackers and cheese-- a quick bite for me... is a victory.
Playtime before nap and more diaper changing, a resisting child-- mad, hyper and wild.

Time.  Out.  "Say you're sorry." Someone's cranky... milk and a blankie.
Kids are fussing. Talking, singing. Will they sleep?  Then not a peep.

Naptime, finally... you've come at last. Time for chores. Down on all fours.
Cleaning, straightening, putting away. Starting the to-do's... wishing for a snooze.

It's just another day in the life...

Baby's crying, kids awake. Naptime is through... peace and quiet is too.
Grouchy faces, whimpers and cries, snuggles are in order, being a mama hoarder.

Changing diapers, then more snacks. Rattles, play mats and cowboy hats.
Finish the laundry, fold the clothes.  Choo Choo trains and paper airplanes.

Nakey time, start the bath.  Pee on the floor and the clothes you wore.
Splashing, splashing, tub overflow.  Sit your derriere on the potty chair.

Jammies, lotion. Wiggles and giggles.  Time for dinner, we've got a beginner.
Food on the floor.  Food in the hair.  Food on the wall.  A bedtime stall.

It's just another day in the life...

Even more playtime, daddy's here.  Hide and seek.  Tiptoe and sneak.
Piggy backs and dinosaur roars. Shooting free throws, hang up clothes.

Sleepy baby, tiny yawns. Snuggle, dip, bounce and skip.
Kiss and love and say goodnight.  Put baby down without a sound.

Time for reading lots of books. "Just one more." And the big 'ignore.'
Five books later and ready for bed.  Prayers and love and all of the above.

Tiptoe quietly out of the room.  Down goes the sun.  Another day done.
Wake up tomorrow on a brand new day. I get to repeat, a life ever so sweet.

It's just another day in the life...

Reflection

When I look in the mirror, I see me and when I see me... I see a big nose. A huge nose that's much too big for my delicate face, with a bump on top and a profile that's wanting something different.

But, I wouldn't trade it for all the clouds in the sky because it's my familes' nose. It belongs to those that came before me and reminds me of my lineage and where I come from.

I think I'll keep my nose.

When I look in the mirror, I see me and when I see me... I see lots of freckles. Freckles covering my body head to toe. Contrasting dark brown with my light skin like a connect-the-dot game.

But, I wouldn't trade them for all the fish on the sea because they're a stamp from my childhood. A wonderful childhood spent outside in the lake, sun-kissed and barefoot. It reminds me how lucky I was to grow up wild and free.

I think I'll keep my freckles.

When I look in the mirror, I see me and when I see me... I see a birthmark as big as I've ever seen. Red as a cherry and right on my side. The doctor told my mama it was a bruise from delivery and it would go away. 33 years and still waiting...

But, I wouldn't trade it for all the flowers in the field because for some reason it never wanted to leave so how could I ask it to go? It makes me different.  It makes me unique. A kiss from the angels before they sent me on my way.

I think I will keep my birthmark.

When I look in the mirror, I see me and when I see me... I see a scar right across my tummy. 5 inches in length. My whole life... not there... and then one day it was.

But then so were you. It was my way of making sure you arrived safely. It was my last gift to you when I was your home. My goodbye. My welcome. My I-would-do-anything-for-you.  My I-can't-live-without-you. My constant reminder you're here, you're my daughter, you're perfect.

I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

I think I'll keep my scar.

For this is who I am. These things make me more beautiful because I have a story to tell. And it's mine, only mine.

I Hope You Don't Fit In

As parents, I feel as though we worry about our children not fitting in with the crowd.  We worry that they will be isolated or feel sad or have their little feelings hurt at some point or another.  Well, I think we all know this is inevitable and we can't always avoid it... nor should we.  I know we want to protect their hearts.  We can't help it.  But, in the world of shaping and molding our children into good people... they must learn.  Sometimes that means letting them fall, just so they know how to get back up again.

As a parent of a child with physical differences (and I can imagine this stretches across the board and it is safe for me to say that with parents of children with any kind of special challenge), this worry only intensifies.  Sometimes differences aren't so obvious, and sometimes, when a child has obvious differences, it can be a source for an easy target.  And to tell you the truth, my heart fears this... so much.  But my head... it tells me that my little one will be stronger and better because of it.  It will be hard.  Learning always is.

She is three months old.  And I admit, I am getting ahead of myself.  But I am a woman and that's what we do.  We picture our babies going off to kindergarten, off to middle school & high school and off to college.  And with bittersweet tears in our eyes, we picture her wedding day and the smile she wears so big and so happily.  We try to anticipate the bumps along the way and we attempt to hammer them out to create a smooth ride.  After all-- all we ever want for our children is happiness and we will go to leaps and bounds to help them achieve this.

But for now, I am going to focus on teaching.  Teaching my little one and her big brother that it is ok to be different-- and someday, this is what I am going to say:

When everyone is stomping and marching and going to the right.  "This way!" they are shouting with all of their might.  And you feel like you could, you would, you should, even if it means you are misunderstood...

I hope you don't fit in.

I hope you dance in circles around and around, twirling and jumping with your feet off the ground.  I hope you sing a song that's different from theirs, and break out a game of musical chairs.

I'm glad you don't fit in.

When everyone is yellow from head to their toes-- neon yellow, mustard yellow and on so it goes.  They want you to be yellow and look all the same, but you are blue and red and you feel the shame.

I hope you don't fit in. 

I hope you take your blue and your red and add purple too and green and orange and every other hue.  I hope you paint your world with colors every which way, putting hearts and rainbows and love on display.

I'm glad you don't fit in.

When everyone jumps in without thinking twice, they turn to you and say, "Here's some advice.  Do what we are doing because it's the "in" thing to do.  What's there to think about?  You know you want to."

I hope you don't fit in.

I hope you go your own way blazing your own trail.   Not afraid to move on and let your dreams set sail.  Lead with your heart and keep your eyes open wide.  Let love and compassionate and joy be your guide.

I'm glad you don't fit in.

When everyone uses words that should have remained unsaid and you feel the negativity start to spread.  When ignorances and prejudices come out to play and the feeling of hate begins to give way.

I hope you don't fit in.

I hope you shine like the light that I see in your eyes and know that you don't have to compromise.  Integrity and character are things to hold dear.  As well as a pure heart and a consciouss that's clear.

I'm glad you don't fit in.

When everyone feels entitled and demands become great.  And gratitude is lost and nothing's worth the wait.  When others are stepping stones to get to the top. And they turn around only to see your big flop.

I hope you don't fit in.  

I hope you treat others with kindness and respect and know how your actions can directly affect.  Lift others up and up and you will soar too.  And to yourself... always be true.   

I'm glad you don't fit in.

Yes, this world will tell you which way to go.  Who to be, what to think and what you should know.  It will want you to take the easy route, but then you wouldn't know what life's all about.

I hope you don't fit in.

As you fly through the sky on your very own cloud, know that it's ok not to follow the crowd.  Different is good; different is allowed.  You should know your mama is already proud.

I'm so glad you don't fit in.

  

An Ode to My Dreamer

And so it began...
A little girl with a dream...

And with a mama behind her,
It would always seem 

That a smile and a wink
Could make the world go round. 

And I was ready and willing
And I would hit the ground...

  

Running and running
As fast as I could. 

Living the good life
Because life should be good.

But sometimes it isn't
And I want you to know

That it may take more than a wink
To make the world go.

Yes, life needs YOU
To always rise above

Anything that's below you
And absent of love.

And as you dream your
Big dream my little one 

Please wish for anything
Under the sun.

Set your sights high
And your worries low

And get your movin' on
With your to and your fro.

And reach your hands
Way up in the sky

And maybe... just maybe,
You'll learn how to fly.

Because all good things
Are wild and free

And it is up to you
Who you want to be.

But if you try and you try
And you're still on the ground,

And you feel sad and scared
And trapped all around.

Know it's ok because
This is your story too.

This is where you learn and you grow
And you finally break through.

And you'll find a way there--
To where you are going

Even if it's around and about
And with the wind blowing.

You'll land in the spot
That is just right for you--

A wink and a smile
And a little straightening too.

Then off to the next
And the next after that

Leaving the ney-sayers
Right where they're at.

So swim in the sunshine
And bask in the sea

And enjoy every second
That's meant to be.

And when you arrive at your dream,
Look it straight in the face

And be thankful it's a journey
And not a race.

Because the true gift, my dear,
Is who you've become.

My dreamer, my love....
My little one.

For it was your mama's dream...
A long time ago

To have you in my life
And you should always know...

Dreams do come true;
You remind me every day

That a wink and a smile
Can go a long way.

You are proof that dreams
Are worth fighting for.

Remember that always
And forever more.

*Dream images courtesy Pinterest.