A Cape Away from Being a SuperMom

The last month has been Über-busy.  My husband has been traveling, family visiting, birthday parties, Easter dinner, playdates and the list goes on.  But in the midst of the business... I realized that we were not all that busy... just average busy.

It's me that's busy.  A busy body.  A mama.  A busy mama.  Rockin' it out.  Rockstar status. Superstar.  SuperMom.  (Do you like how my train of thought got me to the last title?  Exactly.)

That's right... I am acknowledging the fact that I am a SuperMom.  (And I am making this one word on purpose because Superman is one word and spell check doesn't fight me at all... and all he ever did was turn into a dude in a cool outfit that could fly and rescue the damsel in distress.  "Super"man wouldn't survive one day at home with the kids. So I'll deal with the spell check underlining my new word.)

(Reading to his fwwwends)

I came to this realization today... that I am a SuperMom... right after I picked up a dirty diaper between two toes and opened the garbage can lid by stepping on the pedal with the other foot and threw the diaper away... with my toes... while feeding a baby a bottle in my arms.   Oh, and I was on the phone.  I couldn't help but compare myself to Angelina Jolie in Mr. & Mr. Smith as she would scale a building and dust her curtains on her tippy tippy toes all in the same half hour... That was so me.

And then I realized it again when I made Clay's day by taking him and Lilah on an escalator ride.  And it was a ride because I parked the stroller next to the escalator in the swanky new food court at the upscale mall in town and carefully balanced Lilah in my arms while I bent over and picked up Clay.  I carried each child in one arm and steadied my clumsy-self on that dang escalator.  We went up.  And we went down.  And I even saw some people pointing at us... which pretty much just confirms that they had just witnessed super hero stuff-- I'm sure of it.

(Out for a drive)

And a temper tantrum later when Clay realized there was just going to be one escalator ride and the result left him on the floor flailing his arms and legs... and I felt my SuperMom status begin to wear off, we gather ourselves and make our way out to the car where in the midst of his cries he sneezes and lands that sneeze right in the nape of my neck creating a zerbert sound causing me to jump right out of my skin-- we both lost it and laughed so hard.  And I felt my SuperMom cape on my back once more.

(Clay's self-portrait)

And you know... I have this thought often.  "I'm nailin' it.  I've got this.  ON.  IT."  And as a mama, these moments feel good.  Actually, great.  Because we all have moments when we feel like "I'm losing it. What in the world? And, I don't have this."  But we put on that cape and rise to the occasion no matter what the occasion may be and even in those persnickety moments where we doubt ourselves.  Because we are all SuperMoms... in our own special way.

And so, with my head held high... Ima takin' that title and Ima gonna to keep rockin' it out- SuperMom style.  So while I wait for my real SuperMom cape to show up on my doorstep (just to make it official) and for spell check to recognize this sure-to-be word, I'll join all the other mamas out there silently tearin' it up each day and relish in my new title.

And in case I needed just one more reminder... when I tiptoed into Lilah's room just now to feed her and I turned on the lamp just to peer at her face for another fifteen minutes before my day would come to and end, she slowly opened her eyes and looked all around the room.  Then at me.  She waited til her eyes adjusted just guzzling her bottle in the meantime.  And there it was.  A huge smile of recognition, of comfort, of love spread across her face.  You see, I may or may not be a SuperMom... but to her I'm just that... super.  And that's enough.      

Just Another Day in the Life...

Let me just say... for all the mamas out there... this is for you.  For all the soon-to-be mamas out there... this is for you too.  If you are already a mama, you will laugh, shake your head at your own embarrassments and completely relate.  If you are a soon-to-be mama... don't let this scare you for all of us mamas wouldn't want it any other way.  But consider yourself warned.  {Now, you are in the know.}

And let this be my pre-face for this poem needs a pre-face... and a disclaimer and probably a prologue but I'm too lazy.  So in my pre-face I should tell you that I believe one key to happiness is laughter.  And I am very happy in my life and I am laughing... a lot.  Laughing at myself, at my kiddos and at the craziness that can surround some days and moments in our lives as full-time mamas.  This poem in no-way-shape-or-form means that I am not grateful or that I don't love my life... because I am and I do.  This is just my way at laughing at all that occurs in a day (and laughing at the fact that it actually all does occur in one day) and me poking fun at my harder moments as a mom and giving myself some grace in the meantime.

{And... I would like to add that this is not the case for all mamas... some have easy babies and some have their @%#* together... neither of which is me.}

Just another day in the life...

What day is it?  I don't know.  Alarm says beep and I go back to sleep.
Wake up, sand in my eyes, messy hair-- I don't care

What to wear?  Whatever fits.  Not my jeans by all means.
Yoga pants, leggings, t-shirt, shoes that don't hurt.

Alarm goes off, monitors beeping, kids awake, beds to make.
Diaper changes, teeth brushed, clothes to put on, mama's yawn.

Up the stairs, down the stairs, up and down and back around.
Breakfast ready, come and get it, booster seat, make them eat.

It's just another day in the life...

Vitamins and medicine, each food group, and I smell poop.
Round two of diaper changes, the kitchen's dirty, it's only 8:30.

Take out the trash, clean the bottles, scrape the grime, tummy time.
Hot Dog dance, building towers, playing cars, off to Mars.

Silly faces, baby talk, throw in the wash, oh my gosh.
Bouncing baby, again and again, picking up toys, lots of noise.

Shhh... inside voices, daddy's working, "How 'bout a snack?" My aching back.
Snack gets spilled, "No worries." Brush off the dirt... for a little won't hurt.

It's just another day in the life...

Get kids in the car, one at a time, pack diaper bag, wave the white flag.
Grocery shopping, no room in the cart, kiddos resist, to heck with the list.

Lunchtime eating, crackers and cheese-- a quick bite for me... is a victory.
Playtime before nap and more diaper changing, a resisting child-- mad, hyper and wild.

Time.  Out.  "Say you're sorry." Someone's cranky... milk and a blankie.
Kids are fussing. Talking, singing. Will they sleep?  Then not a peep.

Naptime, finally... you've come at last. Time for chores. Down on all fours.
Cleaning, straightening, putting away. Starting the to-do's... wishing for a snooze.

It's just another day in the life...

Baby's crying, kids awake. Naptime is through... peace and quiet is too.
Grouchy faces, whimpers and cries, snuggles are in order, being a mama hoarder.

Changing diapers, then more snacks. Rattles, play mats and cowboy hats.
Finish the laundry, fold the clothes.  Choo Choo trains and paper airplanes.

Nakey time, start the bath.  Pee on the floor and the clothes you wore.
Splashing, splashing, tub overflow.  Sit your derriere on the potty chair.

Jammies, lotion. Wiggles and giggles.  Time for dinner, we've got a beginner.
Food on the floor.  Food in the hair.  Food on the wall.  A bedtime stall.

It's just another day in the life...

Even more playtime, daddy's here.  Hide and seek.  Tiptoe and sneak.
Piggy backs and dinosaur roars. Shooting free throws, hang up clothes.

Sleepy baby, tiny yawns. Snuggle, dip, bounce and skip.
Kiss and love and say goodnight.  Put baby down without a sound.

Time for reading lots of books. "Just one more." And the big 'ignore.'
Five books later and ready for bed.  Prayers and love and all of the above.

Tiptoe quietly out of the room.  Down goes the sun.  Another day done.
Wake up tomorrow on a brand new day. I get to repeat, a life ever so sweet.

It's just another day in the life...

Reflection

When I look in the mirror, I see me and when I see me... I see a big nose. A huge nose that's much too big for my delicate face, with a bump on top and a profile that's wanting something different.

But, I wouldn't trade it for all the clouds in the sky because it's my familes' nose. It belongs to those that came before me and reminds me of my lineage and where I come from.

I think I'll keep my nose.

When I look in the mirror, I see me and when I see me... I see lots of freckles. Freckles covering my body head to toe. Contrasting dark brown with my light skin like a connect-the-dot game.

But, I wouldn't trade them for all the fish on the sea because they're a stamp from my childhood. A wonderful childhood spent outside in the lake, sun-kissed and barefoot. It reminds me how lucky I was to grow up wild and free.

I think I'll keep my freckles.

When I look in the mirror, I see me and when I see me... I see a birthmark as big as I've ever seen. Red as a cherry and right on my side. The doctor told my mama it was a bruise from delivery and it would go away. 33 years and still waiting...

But, I wouldn't trade it for all the flowers in the field because for some reason it never wanted to leave so how could I ask it to go? It makes me different.  It makes me unique. A kiss from the angels before they sent me on my way.

I think I will keep my birthmark.

When I look in the mirror, I see me and when I see me... I see a scar right across my tummy. 5 inches in length. My whole life... not there... and then one day it was.

But then so were you. It was my way of making sure you arrived safely. It was my last gift to you when I was your home. My goodbye. My welcome. My I-would-do-anything-for-you.  My I-can't-live-without-you. My constant reminder you're here, you're my daughter, you're perfect.

I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

I think I'll keep my scar.

For this is who I am. These things make me more beautiful because I have a story to tell. And it's mine, only mine.

The Word "Little"

I recently read an article from a gentleman with dwarfism.  He happens to be a professor at a college and smart as a whip.  His article focused on his perspective of dwarfism... what it felt like to be a dwarf, how he fought his whole life to prove his worth and how he hated the word little.

Hmmmmmm... the word little.

Words are words.  They mean something, describe something, help us understand our world.  Whether we like it or not, we are all associated with words.  Sometimes we are lucky and can choose certain words that are ours.  Other times, words are chosen for us... but their still ours.  Sometimes these words makes us happy and other times, so sad.  Different people see us differently and can have their own set of words to use to describe us.  Words hurt, words help, words love.

 My words go like this: creative, loving, brunette, determined, spirited, stubborn, smart, thoughtful, cheapskate, freckled, dreamer and last be not least... lanky.  That's right.  I can tend to look a little like Gumby and... I am aware of the resemblance.

Some of those go hand-in-hand with my personality.  Some of them I work hard for.  Some of them I have always been.  But these are my words.  And even though some of them I would like to shake right off, I can't.  It's who I am.

And with my Lilah... one of her many words will always be little.

And while I understand the professor's point-of-view and I can appreciate his story... I look at the word little so differently.

Disclaimer: {And I should mention before I go any further, that I am not a little person, nor can I fully understand what it is like to be a little person.  So with that said, maybe I am way off-base but I am still going to write it because I think it.}

Little.  I understand the professor felt like he had to prove himself his whole life to make up for his short-stature.  I understand that he felt like he had to press upon people his integrity.  I really do.  But... and there is a big but... (and I am laughing that I just wrote that... but it is what I mean... and now let's be serious)...

Can't we just embrace the little?

And even though I am trying to be serious and I have a serious point to make, my glass of wine is making me write this next line... in the words of Lady Gaga, "Baby, I was born this way."  And what a way to be.  (Maybe my disclaimer should have been about the glass of wine seeing how it has been void from my life for a year.  Thanks to pregnancy.  Thanks to baby.  Happy to have a glass of wine every now and again.)

I love that Lilah gets this word little.  It is soooo her.  Her little squishy nose, her little chubby legs, her little shy smile when I get her from nap.  Her little giggle at daddy, her little belly button, her little toes that curl around my finger.  All of these things make me smile so big.  And selfishly, I am glad that my girl gets to stay little a little longer just so I can savor these memories of her forever more.  I love my little.  I love everything about my babygirl.

And for the record... little is just one of her many, many words.  We don't have just one, you know.  She is going to reveal her secrets of who she is and fill in the blanks of what her words will be... but not yet.  You see... she likes to keep me guessing.  She just shows glimmers of her personality and leaves me hungry for more and more.  But, each day she delivers and I get to see a little more into her world-- the world of who she will become.  It is a world I am desperate to learn about... but I know in time I will.

And to tell you the truth, it wouldn't surprise me if some of her words sounded like this: big {personality}, giant {zest for life}, huge {heart}.  Big and little... they go together like fish and the sea.

And as for when she gets older?  She may have to prove herself and be her own advocate.  She may have to stand up for what she believes is right or wrong.  And as her mama, I hope all of these things for her for they will make her fierce.  But for now, I am enjoying my little one and wishing each day she stays little in my arms and I pray that she always looks at me with those deep blue eyes and smiles and gushes and squeals at her mama.

And that word little... well, it is my new favorite word.  And it will always be.

I Hope You Don't Fit In

As parents, I feel as though we worry about our children not fitting in with the crowd.  We worry that they will be isolated or feel sad or have their little feelings hurt at some point or another.  Well, I think we all know this is inevitable and we can't always avoid it... nor should we.  I know we want to protect their hearts.  We can't help it.  But, in the world of shaping and molding our children into good people... they must learn.  Sometimes that means letting them fall, just so they know how to get back up again.

As a parent of a child with physical differences (and I can imagine this stretches across the board and it is safe for me to say that with parents of children with any kind of special challenge), this worry only intensifies.  Sometimes differences aren't so obvious, and sometimes, when a child has obvious differences, it can be a source for an easy target.  And to tell you the truth, my heart fears this... so much.  But my head... it tells me that my little one will be stronger and better because of it.  It will be hard.  Learning always is.

She is three months old.  And I admit, I am getting ahead of myself.  But I am a woman and that's what we do.  We picture our babies going off to kindergarten, off to middle school & high school and off to college.  And with bittersweet tears in our eyes, we picture her wedding day and the smile she wears so big and so happily.  We try to anticipate the bumps along the way and we attempt to hammer them out to create a smooth ride.  After all-- all we ever want for our children is happiness and we will go to leaps and bounds to help them achieve this.

But for now, I am going to focus on teaching.  Teaching my little one and her big brother that it is ok to be different-- and someday, this is what I am going to say:

When everyone is stomping and marching and going to the right.  "This way!" they are shouting with all of their might.  And you feel like you could, you would, you should, even if it means you are misunderstood...

I hope you don't fit in.

I hope you dance in circles around and around, twirling and jumping with your feet off the ground.  I hope you sing a song that's different from theirs, and break out a game of musical chairs.

I'm glad you don't fit in.

When everyone is yellow from head to their toes-- neon yellow, mustard yellow and on so it goes.  They want you to be yellow and look all the same, but you are blue and red and you feel the shame.

I hope you don't fit in. 

I hope you take your blue and your red and add purple too and green and orange and every other hue.  I hope you paint your world with colors every which way, putting hearts and rainbows and love on display.

I'm glad you don't fit in.

When everyone jumps in without thinking twice, they turn to you and say, "Here's some advice.  Do what we are doing because it's the "in" thing to do.  What's there to think about?  You know you want to."

I hope you don't fit in.

I hope you go your own way blazing your own trail.   Not afraid to move on and let your dreams set sail.  Lead with your heart and keep your eyes open wide.  Let love and compassionate and joy be your guide.

I'm glad you don't fit in.

When everyone uses words that should have remained unsaid and you feel the negativity start to spread.  When ignorances and prejudices come out to play and the feeling of hate begins to give way.

I hope you don't fit in.

I hope you shine like the light that I see in your eyes and know that you don't have to compromise.  Integrity and character are things to hold dear.  As well as a pure heart and a consciouss that's clear.

I'm glad you don't fit in.

When everyone feels entitled and demands become great.  And gratitude is lost and nothing's worth the wait.  When others are stepping stones to get to the top. And they turn around only to see your big flop.

I hope you don't fit in.  

I hope you treat others with kindness and respect and know how your actions can directly affect.  Lift others up and up and you will soar too.  And to yourself... always be true.   

I'm glad you don't fit in.

Yes, this world will tell you which way to go.  Who to be, what to think and what you should know.  It will want you to take the easy route, but then you wouldn't know what life's all about.

I hope you don't fit in.

As you fly through the sky on your very own cloud, know that it's ok not to follow the crowd.  Different is good; different is allowed.  You should know your mama is already proud.

I'm so glad you don't fit in.

  

The Wishing Well

I don't know why, but I happened to glance into the tall, metal vase (that serves as an umbrella stand) next to the front door in our entryway.  I found seven shiny, 'pretend' coins from Clay's cash register.  I thought about it... and then... it all made perfect sense.  It wasn't just a toddler throwing things into anywhere for whatever reason or no reason at all.  This was his wishing well and those shiny, 'pretend' coins... those were his seven wishes.

We spent several afternoons at a wishing well last summer.  It was at a historical site, the home of an author, in this tucked away/sleepy and yet perfect forest.  If you can imagine a place where little fairies would live, fluttering around the flower garden down by the lake through the trellis made of vines hopping from lilly pad to lilly pad in the tiny pond... that place exists.  We found it--it is magical.  And yet, it is a place forgotten by many, appreciated only by a few.

And the wishing well... I think Clay and I are among the only ones that have active wishes in there.  Clay would dig his coins out of the organza bag and throw each one in as fast as he could.  "Wish.  Wish.  Wish," he would say as they would sink to the bottom.  And I always stole one from him when he wasn't looking.  I already knew my wish... and I closed my eyes and tossed the coin into the well.  "Wish."

And now, I am knee-deep in my own craziness of life as a mama-of-two.  In the midst of... (deep breath)... seasonal cold catching, temper-tantruming, sleep training, diaper changing, monitors beeping, picky eating, laundry forgetting, schedule creating, grocery shopping, nose wiping, carpet sweeping, doctor visiting, bottle cleaning, shoe tying, story reading, car seat fastening, supper making, question answering, boo boo kissing, snack preparing, choo choo playing, medicine giving... sleep-not-getting...
where I find myself doing it-- wishing my life away.

I can hear my own thoughts running through my head, "I need to just get through this."  I wish for the future to be here now.  I wish for easier times when I will have more time, more sleep, more, more, more.  And then... I stop.  I look around.  And I see through the chaos of the big picture and into the little moment that is right in front of me.

I see Clay going over to Lilah, shaking her hand and saying, "Nice to meet cha."  I see Lilah's face break out in a huge smile every time Corey says, "Ahhhhh, man," in his best motor voice.  I see my boy's smiling face when he wakes up from nap and says, "Hi mommy.  I'm all done napping."  I see tiny little baby toes peeking out from the bubbles in her bath.  I see Corey drop to the floor in .2 seconds ready for a quick game of hide-and-seek.  I see Clay with his face a foot away from Lilah's saying, "She is just so adorable."  I see a tiny little hand grasp onto my finger.  I see the happiness, the love, the present time.  And I wouldn't wish it away for anything.

My neighbor came over for a visit today... and she told me about a conversation with a stranger that took place twenty years ago.  A conversation that has stuck with her all this time.  She said her little one was acting up and she remembers feeling angry with him.  That's when a stranger came up to her and told her not to be so mad at him.  She said, "Someday, you will look back on this precious time and give anything to have it back."  She told me this story with tears in her eyes and a cough in her throat and I knew... she agreed.  I was now the girl she was passing this little secret along to.  And I feel happy to know this secret now before it's too late and I wished my time away.

This is life.  This is living.  But me... I am loving.  And I will no-longer-ever-again wish my life away.  Life is not, "Let's just get through this."  Life is so much more than that.

 

For these little moments... they melt me.  They make me gush and gush.  They make my heart full.  And now, I look for them in each day.  And each day, I find more and more and more.  I find those moments that may seem ordinary-- but there is some magic there.  I capture them in my mind and tie them up with string only to be reopened later.  And each night, I can't help but relive these moments like a filmstrip of my day before my thoughts finally drift off into dreams.  And as for those moments... I will remember them... always.

And I promise you, if you look really hard, you will find them too in the most unexpected places and in the most unexpected ways.        

And someday when the kids are grown, and I go back to that wishing well, I will still be making a wish.  But I already know, my wish will be to turn back the hands of time and do it all over again.  I told you this was a magical place... with perhaps a magical wishing well.  My wish from last summer?  It came true... and isn't she lovely?

An Ode to My Dreamer

And so it began...
A little girl with a dream...

And with a mama behind her,
It would always seem 

That a smile and a wink
Could make the world go round. 

And I was ready and willing
And I would hit the ground...

  

Running and running
As fast as I could. 

Living the good life
Because life should be good.

But sometimes it isn't
And I want you to know

That it may take more than a wink
To make the world go.

Yes, life needs YOU
To always rise above

Anything that's below you
And absent of love.

And as you dream your
Big dream my little one 

Please wish for anything
Under the sun.

Set your sights high
And your worries low

And get your movin' on
With your to and your fro.

And reach your hands
Way up in the sky

And maybe... just maybe,
You'll learn how to fly.

Because all good things
Are wild and free

And it is up to you
Who you want to be.

But if you try and you try
And you're still on the ground,

And you feel sad and scared
And trapped all around.

Know it's ok because
This is your story too.

This is where you learn and you grow
And you finally break through.

And you'll find a way there--
To where you are going

Even if it's around and about
And with the wind blowing.

You'll land in the spot
That is just right for you--

A wink and a smile
And a little straightening too.

Then off to the next
And the next after that

Leaving the ney-sayers
Right where they're at.

So swim in the sunshine
And bask in the sea

And enjoy every second
That's meant to be.

And when you arrive at your dream,
Look it straight in the face

And be thankful it's a journey
And not a race.

Because the true gift, my dear,
Is who you've become.

My dreamer, my love....
My little one.

For it was your mama's dream...
A long time ago

To have you in my life
And you should always know...

Dreams do come true;
You remind me every day

That a wink and a smile
Can go a long way.

You are proof that dreams
Are worth fighting for.

Remember that always
And forever more.

*Dream images courtesy Pinterest.