Snow Go

So you know that part in Winnie the Pooh where Pooh's tummy is soooo rumbly and he can't think of anything but honey no matter how hard he tries?  And then every word coming from everyone's mouth in his mind becomes... "honey... honey, honey, honey, hoooooonnneeeyyy."  Yeah, well that was what the start of this new year was like except it wasn't as sweet as honey... it was boatloads of snow.  Snow, more snow, snowing, still snowing, snow everywhere, snow crazy, snow joke.  

Turns out, I actually like snow.  And this snow was beautiful.  The kind of snow that hangs on to each branch for dear life and lingers there for days.  The kind of snow that glistens with each ray of light.  The kind of snow that makes you feel like you are in a real-live snow globe.  I loved it.

But... it definitely put a PAUSE on life.  Our normal-ness was gone and in its place was a homebound family not use to being so... homebound.  And in my go-go-go pattern, I was itching to get this year started off in a way that was just-so and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't compete with nature.  

Looking back, I think God knew that the entire Midwest just needed one more week to catch up on sleep, take down Christmas decorations, eat extra cookies and chocolate and steal more and more snuggles with those sweet babes.  That blanket of snow was just a reminder to slow down, focus on what is important and give yourself grace.

And so, I embraced a delayed start to 2014... and savored in these special moments that would have never happened otherwise...

Here's what we did with the Blizzard of 2014... we played, my husband shoveled, there was one rescue when the snow was too deep, we went on sled rides, climbed mountains, drank lots of hot cocoa, and bundled up.

I am hoping that you are enjoying your start to your new year whether you are off and running or taking a slow start.  Cheers!

One Little Word

2014.

It is intimidating to look at that number and see a blank page.  What to type... anything could come next.  But the impact of what does come next is truly profound.  Hopes, dreams, desires, goals... all in the form of resolutions.  What if I told you that for 2014, you could have one word?  Just one.  And it would have to sum up what you want for yourself for the entire year.

Change.

Looking back, I would say this was my word last year.  And I was fierce this time last year.  I took a good-long-hard-look in the mirror and thought about the person looking back at me.  I would say that I stripped back all the layers and got down to the bottom of myself.  I was relentless on the criticism finding so much about myself that I didn't like.  That process in and of itself was grueling... but, it ultimately lit a fire deep inside.  And so... I vowed to change.  For myself.  I started with resolutions, and then when I realized these had failed me over and over each year which led me to where I was at the time... I threw this tradition out the door because... not this time.  Not this time would I fail at change.  I then came up with what I called good ol' fashioned goals.  And these goals became my mantra for the year.  (Read last year's post Resolutions/Schmezolutions here).

My first step was to admit that I didn't have all the answers.  And with this admission, for me, came an eagerness to learn.  I wanted my mind to stretch so far that it couldn't go back.  I wanted to be so influenced that I couldn't help but to act.  I wanted to break down barriers and build foundations to new ideas in their place.  So I began to seek.  What I found was remarkable.  I found people.  Stories. Experiences. Perspectives.  And the thing is... with each one, my heart grew an ounce to make room for them.  I found myself loving.  I found myself living.  I found myself.

Thank God for 2013.  It was a tedious process... a tumultuous journey and oh-so lovely and rewarding. And the thing is... once you start changing, you never really stop.  Inspiration and determination have taken up permanent residency inside my head.  But, it is the small tidbits of wisdom I have collected over the last year that remind me that we can learn from all situations.  It is what we take away that holds the true power.  We are all walking our own journeys, what we choose to see along the way is up to us.

And knowing that I get to build from everything I have gained over the last year makes this year a lot more sweet to slip into.  But, that one-word challenge.  That was so much more difficult than I could have ever imagined.  Hundreds of words passed through my head and with each one, I stopped to try it on for size looking at it from every angle, examining it until I was left shaking my head and thinking, "No, that word will just not do." And then I found it.  My word for 2014.  And I will admit, that I tossed this word aside also.  And later when I came back to it, I realized I was afraid of this word.  It comes with big shoes... much bigger than my own.  I was worried I would fail at this word.  But, I soon decided that it was in my heart and chosen for me by Him, so it had to be right.

Give.

Everyday is a gift.  We know this.  But we forget this.  And when we are forced to remember this in the wake of a serious situation... we once again look at life as a gift, as it is meant to be viewed.  And this is when we can truly appreciate life one day at a time.  I love the saying, "Do something great today, you exchanged a day of your life for it." And so, this year I hope to add an element of giving to our everyday lives and challenge ourselves to reach beyond our comfort zone and find new opportunities to serve and give.  I want to keep this word in the forefront.  I want to give my children my full presence when I am with them.  I want to give my husband a full commitment to teamwork as we parent together.  I want to give myself forgiveness when everything goes array and remember to laugh in moments that just aren't worth fretting about. I want to give back to my community for all the grace and love they have given us over the past year.  I want to give hope to strangers and encourage wherever and whenever I can.  I have lots of little ideas and big ideas that will hopefully allow for lots and lots of giving throughout the year.

And now a fresh start.  A chance for a deep inhale of the intoxicating fumes of possibilities in the new year.  A clear mind, a focused goal and a lot of gusto... and here we go 2014.  Let's do this.

I would love to hear from you!  What's your one little word?

And how about some Christmas outtakes just for fun?!

Perfect

Today was perfect.

Which is funny, because it didn't really have any potential to be perfect.  But looking back, it was just that.  And some days, you know they are going to be special days... whether it be something really fun planned with family or friends or a special occasion.  Today was a mess of a day.  Snowed in, plans ruined, husband away for work and a whole-lotta-craziness, all of course unplanned.

And then something really special happened... I had a revelation.  And it started like this...

I am kind of a sucker for sentiment (that is an understatement...) and since I LOVED my childhood... I often want to recreate moments I had as a little girl, for my own children.  I remember making gingerbread houses with my mama.  And this December, I was excited to start this new tradition with Clay.  And with a snow storm looming, I just happened to slip a gingerbread house kit into the shopping cart and chalk it up as the "just-in-case-we get-snowed-in" activity. Snow day happened... and I was excited to have a Plan B.  So I set out all the different dishes each brimming with Christmas colored candy just waiting to be a part of this glorious gingerbread house.  I showed Clay how to put the icing on the roof, and then... it happened.

Apparently, we had different ideas of what the house should look like. And the battle within my conscious began.  One side of my brain reaching out my hands while the inner voice was yelling at me, "He's not doing it right.  He's being messy.  Help him!  Save the house!" The other side snatching my hands back in, "Let him be.  It will be just fine because he is having fun. The house will look great because he is making it."  And then after two icing dots and two gumdrops (randomly placed I might add), Clay turns to me and says, "I'm done."

Well shamefully, the naughty conscious won today because I said, "No, no... we have lots more to do."  And I took that icing bag and iced the whole dang house by myself and he added lots more candy.  And so for today, it was a compromise of his 3-year-old-ness and my perfectionism.  Admittedly... I needed to just let him be but I saw more fun to be had... and more fun happened.  And we were both happy with the end result until he looked at the box the kit came in and looked at our gingerbread house and a sad look crossed his face and he says, "But ours doesn't look like the one on the box."

No son... it doesn't.  But, ours is perfect.  And I realized... it is perfect because we love it just the way it is.

This word perfect... it has me thinking today.  I used to look at this word as rigid, someone else's standards, unachievable and at a high cost.  It was negative.  It was someone bragging.  It was unrealistic.

In this last year... I have learned so much about perspective and looking at life differently.  When I found out about Lilah's dwarfism diagnosis, society was telling me that she was imperfect.  That her genetic condition was undesirable.  That she would be physically different and there would be a stigma attached to that.  And then when I met her... all I could think of was how perfect she was.  She wasn't broken or anything less than.  Nothing about her was undesirable to me and her differences were what made her unique.  That's when this word changed for me.  It no longer meant someone else setting the standards, it became positive and attainable.  Perfect is what you make it out to be.  Perfect is when everything feels just right.  Perfect is what you create.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above" James 1:17

And so, we carried on our perfect-mess-of-a-wonderful-unplanned-day of playing in the snow, visiting with great friends & neighbors and of course... lots of snuggling.  It really was... perfect.

Lilah's Monthly Pics

So, I kind of have a "thing" for traditions.  And when having children I had to bear in mind that what I do for the first one, I will have to do for all of them.  So in the name of common sense, I decided not to go gang-buster with Clay (which I easily could have) and remember that with each child, I will have less time to repeat these amazing traditions.  And so, one tradition that I do is monthly pics.  A great way to see their little personalities come out and fun for me too.   With that said... here are Lilah's monthly pictures over the last year...

Dear Lilah... You Are One Tomorrow.

Dear Lilah,

I just reread my blog post from a year ago... Baby's Eve.  I wrote that the night before you were born.  Here we are 365 days later... the night before your first birthday.

Oh my goodness... this year.  This year has been so wonderful because you were in it.  It is so hard for me to believe that exactly a year ago, I didn't even "know" you yet and I had this crazy love for you. And now I don't even know how to describe my love for you because you are you... I know you now and I am so in love with you.  And "crazy-love" just doesn't even begin to give this love justice.

I think I realized the deepness of this love in the wee hours of the morning when you were just six weeks old and I realized something wasn't right.  I would stay awake and listen to you breathe in the cradle next to my bedside... and the pattern seemed too inconsistent.  You would startle and stop and take deep breaths and then nothing.  My motherly instincts told me something was wrong.  I immediately ordered a sleep study and in those long nights during the weeks between this discovery and the results of the sleep study... I would do something I told myself I would never do... I held you close to my body in the bed next to me and I would sleep with you curled into my arms.  Too many times in the night I would shake you when you stopped breathing.  I would cry.  And I would pray to God to not let me fall asleep so I wouldn't miss a time when you stopped breathing.  It was so hard.  My nights were sleepless and they had to be.  I would rest but I was always listening to you breathe.  This was when I realized that I had to have you.  I couldn't not have you.  In my heart I felt like I was too close to losing you and that thought killed me.

Yes, you had obstructive sleep apnea and it was confirmed that up to twenty times a night you stopped breathing for over twenty seconds.  This was when we hooked you up to the Breath of Life Monitor every time you shut your eyes, so we would be alerted when you stopped breathing.  And even though I had more peace of mind that you were safe... when that alarm went off, it was a drop-everything-moment-and-get-to-you-in-3-seconds-to-shake-you-and-get-you-breathing-again.  That was hard too.  Because once that alarm went off, you had already stopped breathing for twenty seconds.  I hated knowing that... my heart stopped each time I waited for you to breathe again.  And there were some nights where we all slept and the alarm was silent.  And then there were some nights that I would lay my head on the pillow and the alarm would go off and that would be a repeated routine for hours.

I even made daddy buy a huge outlet that plugged into the car so we could plug that machine in and hook you up so when you fell asleep in the car, I knew you were breathing.  And when the alarm went off, I would pull over immediately and check you.  I think it was safe to say I was in crazy-mama-bear-mode during those months.

And then... miraculously... it stopped.  Praise God! You outgrew the sleep apnea.  We took those awkward electrodes off of you and we never looked back.  You my dear... you were a champ.  {And for anyone out there that has had little ones with life-threatening challenges... my heart goes out to you.}

I feel like I got to see how seriously precious life really is.  How it can be taken away from us within seconds.  And some mamas aren't as lucky as me... they don't get to see their babies grow up.  This thought really put things into perspective for me.  You survived.  You are here.  You are a miracle.  Everything after that seems so irrelevant in the big picture of life.  So you are different?  So you are little?  Do you know how many mamas would trade places with me just to get to see their baby grow up?  Let me remind you... you survived.  You are here.  You are a miracle.  God is in charge and God is so good!

The fact that I get to be your mama... the fact that I get to see your personality take shape... the fact that I get to see you accomplish new things... the fact that I watch a smile spread across your face hundreds of times and hear that little giggle of yours... everyday.  This is what matters to me.  Size will NEVER be more important than that.  You taught me that this year.

A year ago, I was so excited to meet you.  I described it like, "our family was starting a new chapter and only the future would tell what the pages would hold."  So true... I could see these blank pages as I thumbed through them in our book of life.  I had no idea what our story would be.  And now, to look back over a year and see the pages filled with {1. LOVE}-- an outpouring of love from family, friends, strangers... it has been such a powerful feeling to know how supported we really are.  And it has given me so much confidence in people.  Yes, people really are good!!  The love has been one of the best surprises from the last year and it just keeps on coming.  Our safety net went from a tiny little thing to this huge monstrosity that I would never mess with... yeah, it is safe to say that people got your back, baby.  You are good to go.  {2. FUN}-- I feel like we were given these secret set of keys that unlocked the door that said "Happiness."  Once you realize how lucky you are in life and that you have everything you need right in front of you and all you have to do is look around and let happiness envelop you... life becomes... well, fun.  And we took advantage of this over the past year and we did all the things that make us happy all the time.  We were adventurers and we loved life and life loved us right back.  {3. CHANGE}-- we changed as people, as parents, as children of God.  We started stretching our minds, appreciating the small things and learning along the way.  We started sharing our story, reaching out to others and spreading the love.  And this incredible thing happened... people started doing that back.  You, my sweet Lilah, have affected so many people... you may never know how you have directly changed people's lives, but I am told all the time... you have this gift of making people fall in love with you... you are so special.  You hold so much light in your eyes-- you really are mesmerizing... and one more thing... you are already changing the world.

And tomorrow you are one.  And with tears in my eyes (how can you be one!?! this can't be happening so soon!!) and daddy rolling his eyes at me because I am all sappy about it... you are really one.

Happy Birthday to you, my little birdie.  (And there go the tears again!! And I know I am being ridiculous but I guess I thought you being little would be my way of keeping you little longer and then you went and grew up anyway!  Aghh!!)

You are so precious to me.  You are such a gift from God and I am so proud to call you mine.  I hope you enjoy your "Oh Happy Day" party and I look forward to celebrating many, many more birthdays together.

XOXO and love you always,
your mama

Photos taken by Della Terra Photography