Thursday, August 15, 2013

Chasing Dreams...

It was like Christmas this past week when I got to open the boxes stuffed full of my childhood memories.  They have been dormant for over eight years and a part of me wondered if I had lost them all together.  They were found.  Thank God.

I have a memory like my father's.  I could tell you story after story after story from my earlier years.  And with each box, envelope, photo album and yearbook... I relived all of those wonderful moments one by one.

My husband was giggling at my high school grades... apparently he thought I was a better than a B-C student.  He laughed out loud at some of my final exam grades that showed up as D's and an F.  And then, there was my favorite report card where I crossed out all of my grades and gave myself all A's.  That's more like it (and just like me).  I explained to him that I wasn't very good at studying and that I struggled to see things the way everybody else did.  It made answering multiple choice questions difficult because I could probably come up with a creative answer to make all of the choices a possibility.  And that all makes sense now... because of what I found next...

The "your child may be hyper-active if..." questionnaire filled out by my teacher and my mom.  It was the first time I laid my eyes on it.  And it made me giggle.  Because while yes, I was squirrelly and always in motion and way too silly (and I probably do have some form of ADHD), all signs pointed to the one box my mom checked under the word "always"-- DAYDREAMS.

Bingo.  That pretty much sums me up.  I am a dreamer.

It will be a year in October since we learned about Lilah's diagnosis.  I think about me a year ago.  Before I heard the news... carefree but restless, happy but unsatisfied, present but not fully there.  A little scattered, frustrated and on the side of pessimism for sure.

I woke up one morning in November... with Lilah's delivery only days away and I realized all the leaves from the trees were either brown or gone.  I had missed it-- the most amazing time of year where the bright colors contrast the blue/gray sky, where the leaves crunch under your feet with every step, where the wind plays with the air and brings in that distinct "fall" smell.  I had missed it all.  I was in a fog.  I was still wrapping my head around my new normal and I was so nervous for the upcoming birth.  Questions were filing my headspace and just repeating over and over again with no way to quiet them except to wait... time would tell.  Would she look like other newborns?  Would she have to have surgery immediately? Would we be able to hold her? Would people feel sorry for us? Would she pass all of her newborn screenings? Will everyone be excited? And the one that haunted me... Will she survive?

That thought kills me.  I didn't know her very well then.  She was my daughter and I loved her for her little movements inside of me and for what she was going to be.  But now looking back... I can't imagine life without her.  I am so glad I didn't have to have that thought for too long.  And I know mamas that were not as lucky as me and they had to face that question with a different answer than I got and thinking about that now is leaving me in tears.  My heart is absolutely breaking for those mamas.  I know I am the lucky one.  I had a slight inclining then, I know it now.

I have learned so much this past year.  About dwarfism, advocacy, the special needs community, strangers ready to life others up and how to be there for others.  And a whole lot about me and life.  

Yes, I am a dreamer... and you know I will encourage my children to be the same.  I want to always lead by example and teach my babies that life is an adventure: you make it what you want.  And so, I am actively chasing my own dreams... (that nagging thought that hasn't gone away for 13 years... the one that I can't go a few minutes without thinking about... that one thing that I am super passionate about.)  So watch me kiddos go after my dream and then someday I will help you do the same.

I don't won't to ever wake up knowing I missed the leaves turning ever again.  I have learned that life is so precious, love what you have and there is no time like the present.   Dream big my little ones (and big ones too.)  Now go and make it happen. XOXO


  1. I feel the same way. I love that our kids challenge who we thought we were and lead us to be exactly who we are.

  2. Beautiful words, Lesley! I love your outlook!

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